But it's SOoOoOo UNFAIR!
by Lyra Dogstar
Summary: AU When Sirius died, they REALLY needed back on earth to watch over Harry. So he is sent back disguised as a student in Harry's year. The only problem Sirius has, is he's been turned into a GIRL! Rated for quite a few flowery words. UPATED, FINALLY!
1. What? I'm a GIRL?

Sirius felt himself slam back to earth. He woke up to see people staring at him. People in Hogwarts uniforms. He sat up. It had worked.

As he walked around the school, he couldn't help thinking how breezy it felt in his nether-regions. He reached down to scratch his leg.

_Wait a second. My arse isn't that big, is it?_ When he was sure nobody was looking, he felt it a bit. _That arse is NOT mine_. He shook it off.

As he passed one of the many school mirrors, completely out of habit, he glanced at his reflection. And nearly fainted at what he saw. He wasn't Sirius Black any more. He was a gorgeous, busty, sixteen-year-old girl with dark eyes and waste-length black hair. And he was wearing a skirt.

He turned around to a passing student and asked, "What's my name?"

"Jamie……………" said the girl slowly.

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Jamie? And I'm a girl? Really, God, this is the best joke you've played on me. You make me a woman, so I can't sleep with who I would want to, and you give me my best friend's name. Really funny.

Sirius instantly felt as if he had been hit in the head with a frying pan. _Great. I suppose that's the punishment for blasphemy._

Sirius spent a good five minutes raving and cursing, while students made very large circles to get around him. _Not him, Sirius. It's her, and you're now Jamie._

He felt a sharp swat on his bottom and spun around. A seventh year was looking at him rather suggestively. He marched over to the offender and, instead of slapping him (as was probably costumary for girls), he socked the seventh year in the jaw. A hand flew up the the guy's face, and when it was pulled back, there was blood.

"Don't you _ever_ touch me again," Sirius hissed. "_got it_?"

The seventh year nodded, still stunned at what had just happened. Sirius marched off and slammed into the girls' bathroom. He stood for several moments, hands on a sink.

"Hello."

Sirius looked up to see an old man looking out of the mirror. "Now that last bit of blasphemy reallly wasn't necessary, Jamie," the man said, looking down his nose. "But I suppose I owe you an explaination."

"Yes, you do," Sirius---er, Jamie said.

"When I said I wanted you back down on earth, I explained that we couldn't get your old body. So we would send you down secretly, to act as a student in Harry's year."

"I know _that_," Jamie said, rather sarcastically.

"My mistake was letting you choose what to look like. So I found a loophole. You asked to keep your hair, and then your eyes, and your skin complexion, assuming that would make you look like your sixteen-year-old self. But due to the fact that there are more than students in Hogwarts, I couldn't do that. And I realized you said nothing about that fact that you wanted to be a guy."

Sirius opened and closed his mouth several times. _Dammitshitfuck!_ He swore silently.

"I gave you the female equivalent of yourself."

"But I'm _lesbian_," Sirius squeaked, looking down at the sink again.

"Oh, no you're not. I gave you the usual female impulses."

Sirius looked back up at the mirror. The man was gone. He was alone. _Dammit,_ he swore, _my makeup is smeared!_

(A/N: Okay, to those of you who are confused (like me) I'm going to switch to Sirius' POV)

I stopped for a moment. Dammit, that shithead was right, I have female impulses (and is is just me, or does it feel like He's glaring down at me?)

Lifted eyeliner to my face, and paused. I looked at a girl next to me, who was deftly smearing her own makeup on. The other girl grabbed her bag and left. I turned back to the mirror and tried to immitate her movements. When I stood back to look at what I'd done to my face, I sighed. _Well, it's not that bad, just slightly smudged. I'll come up with an excuse if somebody notices, and practice later._

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Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or anything else in the plot-line.

A/N: Okay, I'm know I'm going mess this up and make Sirius (and possibly Remus) seem a bit _gay_. With a plot like this, it's bound to happen by accident (considering Sirius has turned into a girl). Erm……………they AREN'T!! Thank you!!


	2. Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger

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Notes: Hey, I'm back1 I really didn't know weather I would finish this, but I guess I can continue it ………

Shelaum: I really didn't know if you would read this! Yes, I know _exactly_ what you're saying. Don't worry, I don't intend to leave Sirius like that, it would ruin the WHOLE PLOT. (BTW, I haven't continued The Opposite of Brotherly Love because a lack of reviews……….last time I updated I didn't get any. And don't worry about getting Bushichirou right on character; if he's terribly off, I'll tell you ~_^ )

^.^ ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; : Erm well…………I give a little bit of a hint in the notes at the end, but it's not going to be anything explicit; he/she still knows who the others are and who he was, remember ^_^!

Yellow Sparks: You know, I didn't even REALLY think of that. You know, they never mention that in the books?

Sailoranime: I know that he's going to convince _somebody_, but I haven't decided between Harry, Remus, or (_YES_) Snape (Personally, I'd like to see how his enemies and "enemies" react). Maybe Bellatrix will…………

Thanx to the rest of the people that reviewed: Nicola, Vekura, and **Culdil-Adventurous Variag****.**

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I walked down the hall. Well, sort of wobbling down the hall, as I _was_ wearing high heals. _Dammit_ I thought _how can girls wear these things. And I'm constantly scared my skirt's going to fly up!_

"God must hate me," I muttered. "I swear, he's cursed me all eternity, hasn't he?" (A/N: sorry to those who know that line………… I couldn't help it, I just thought of it ^_^u)

"I don't know what you're talking about," whispered a voice in my ear.

I spun around to see who had said that, and saw a tall, blonde boy walking away, his eyes still on me.

"I don't know who you are," I yelled after him, "But when I find out, you're in _big_ trouble!"

He turned around and bowed at me, saying , "Draco Malfoy, at your service." He turned back around and continued on.

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Malfoy? As in Lucius Malfoy's son? What's he doing hitting on a Gryffindor? And what IS my next class? I pulled the list out of my bag an looked at it. Arithmancy. _Hmmm. Remus used to say it was better than divination at least………_

I got lost on the way, and when I got there, my legs had gotten sore from running up and down stairs, and from having tripped several times on the damned heals.

I sat down at one of the tables as Professor Vector walked in. She was a rather pretty witch, with dark hair and light eyes.

"Good morning, class," she said. "We have a new student here today. Will you please stand up?"

I stood up. I was glad that the teachers never made me do this in _school. _Back then I would have been morified, but now I was so used to it, it didn't really bother me.

"This is Jamie Black, and she just transferred from America."

I heard somebody whistle, and I looked around. I caught Malfoy's eye and he winked at me. I glared. As I sat back down, I looked and saw Hermione run into the class. She handed Prof. Vector a note and sat down next to me.

"Hi," she whispered. "I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last night………………prefect duties. I'm Hermione Granger."

I took her hand. "I'm Jamie."

"It's good to know that _somebody_ besides _Malfoy_ is interested in arithmancy. I can't stand being the only Gryffindor in here with him," she said.

"At least he doesn't make moves at you all the time," I said, looking back and catching a grin from him. "_Every time_ I look at him he is smiling or winking or something."

"Yeah, well," Hermione said, shrugging. "a guy will do that if they think they're tough shit."

And thinking back to when I was myself, I realized I did that all the time to girls in my year. Only thing was, they seemed to like it.

"You wanna do something later?" Hermione asked.

"Miss Granger, Miss Black," Prof. Vector said. "Do you have something to share with the class?"

"No Ma'am," we said, before returning our gaze to her.

I spent the rest of the hour trying to come up with a memory of what we (being we the Marauders) used to do when he weren't playing pranks. I got a fuzzy memory of laughing about something, before flopping off a couch. Remus was snickering in a way that was unlike him, and I saw smoke drifting over my head from where James supposedly was. The smell was actually pretty nice. Realizing we were all stoned at the time, I came to the conclusion that it _wouldn't_ be a good idea to suggest that we smoke a joint. _But what DO girls do?_

The bell rang and we all stood.

"Hey," Hermione said. "I have an idea. Since the trip to Hogsmeade isn't far and _I _ still need robes for that dance thing in December, let's go shopping!"

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Notes: Uh oh!! Girly bonding time! Please review!!


	3. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

**Author's Notes: Thank you to all who reviewed; I appreciate it greatly.**

**_WARNING_: This is a story about Sirius learning what it's like to be a girl. It's going to talk about personal things that girls have to put up with. If you don't want to hear that stuff, just go away. Any Flamers will be laughed at. It won't stop me from writing. If you aren't bothered, by all means, keep reading…**

**…And REVIEWING!!**

**One more question, more of an opinion thing, really: Should somebody find out who he/she is? And if so, who?**

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The Hogsmeade weekend came all too quickly for my taste. Or was it not quickly enough? I needed my own stuff by then, not just dress robes. I needed knew shoes, makeup, stockings, and (to my utter horror) underclothes. I had absolutely _no idea_ how to know what size bra I was, and I wasn't going to let Hermione know that.

Unfortunately for me, at the time I had no idea what bras _cost_ at the time. It was a good thing that we were clothes shopping first, then joining up with the main force. The main force being Harry and Ron.

I found it surprisingly easy to break off from Hermione when in the clothes store. I spent a minute looking at the chart telling how to fit yourself, before melting into a pile of mush on the floor from confusion.

"Can I help you?" a kind old sales-lady asked.

"Um….." I said. Then sheepishly said, "I don't know how to fit a bra."

(A/N: Ah……we're going to Hermione's point of view…….)

When Jamie and I met again, she looked rather shaken.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She shook her head for a moment, then held up a couple of bras before gasping, "Expensive."

I laughed out loud at that. _I'm going to have to guess she never looked at the prices of her clothes before._

"Don't worry," I said. "That's probably the most expensive article of clothing, when it comes down to the amount of fabric that makes it up."

(A/N: Oky-doky, now that we're done with the part I don't want to write, back to Sirius' POV)

Shopping for other things wasn't nearly so bad. Especially now that I could figure out the fitting myself. I really didn't remember shopping being this fun, nor caring this much weather something made me look fat or my arse too big. I also quickly learned what I looked good in, and what I looked atrocious in.

So my dress robes ended up being deep red and sleeveless. Which lead to me buying a pair of black gloves that went up past my elbows. And that lead to dark eyeshadow, deep red lipstick, lip liner, and black eyeliner. Which lead to eyebrow tweezers. Which lead to buying a rhinestone choker. Which lead to figuring out what I was going to do with my hair.

By the time we left to find Ron and Harry, we were both exhausted, but extremely happy. Hermione was saying that she wasn't planning on spending so much money, but she was _very_ satisfied with what she would look like.

Ron and Harry raised their eyes when they saw us sitting in the Three Broomsticks, surrounded by packages and grinning from ear to ear.

"What exactly did you buy?" Ron asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Just our outfits for Christmas," Hermione said.

The two of them shook their heads, in a way that was much like the way Remus did when James and I told him about our new prank.

"You know," I said. "It's a lot more fun when you're with somebody who likes shopping.

"Yeah, it is," Hermione said, looking at me with a look of realization and understanding.

"It's sort of like that story, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie," I said thoughtfully. "Everything leads to everything else."

Hermione laughed. Harry gave a wide smile, but Ron looked confused.

"Oh, _Ron_," Hermione said exasperatedly, "I'll explain it later."

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**Author's notes: Well, what do you think? Please send me a review, so I can add you to my Glomp List.**


	4. A Really, Really, Really Bad Day

Notes: Dear God, I've updated. Does happy little shimmy shake 

Thank you, all you wonderful people who reviewed. I promise, you will feel sorry for Sirius-Jamie by the time this chapter is done !!

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Defense Against the Dark Arts. This ought to have been interesting. At the moment, there was nowhere I would rather have been than sitting with my "friends", waiting for class to begin.

"Forgive my tardiness, I was held up."

Since when was _Remus_ our teacher? He was striding into the room with his dilapidated suitcase in hand. _God, was Remus _always_ that hot? Oh my GOD, I think my teacher is hot! What am I saying?? It's supposed to be, oh my God, my BEST FRIEND is hot!! My best GUY friend!!_

"Jamie," Hermione said, looking at me with worry. "Are you alright?"

I looked at her, realizing my face had turned deep red. And I was horrified. All I could get out, was, "Our teacher's hot!"

Hermione giggled. "Of course he is! Didn't you notice that _ages _ago?"

"But is it _normal_ to think your teacher is attractive?" I asked. Sure, my I had a couple of good looking teachers when I was in school, but that didn't mean it was considered cool _now_.

"Don't worry about it. Lavender and Parvati like him too………although they like pretty much _any_ guy. And you should _hear_ some of the gossip about Professor Vector."

I nodded. Remus had already begun teaching, and he either didn't notice that we were talking, or was letting it slide. More likely the latter than the former. I shifted in my seat, before noticing something rather odd. Something _extremely_ odd.

My hand shot up in the air before I could stop it, and I managed to squeak out, "Professor………"

"Yes, Miss Black," Remus said, turning to me.

"Can I go to the bathroom. It's a really, really, really, really, really, _really_ big emergency. Can't wait another moment," I said, barely able to understand _myself_ at the rate I was going.

Remus gave a look of _Understanding_. Capital "U" understanding. _Was he ALWAYS this insightful?_

"You are excused."

I shot out of my seat and out the door before he had even finished the sentence. This was turning out to be a _very_ bad day.

I didn't want to return to the common room and face the humiliation. Everybody would know what the problem was, I just _knew_ it. _And DAMN these things are uncomfortable. How do girls put up with this every month_. _I wonder if this is sort of how Remus feels._ I knew that wasn't really true, but I felt like I was in _agony_ at the moment.

I was sitting in the bathroom, unwilling to come out. I sat there for another fifteen minutes before Hermione came to find me.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, though I knew I didn't sound it.

"Let me guess," she said. "You started?"

I nodded. "Everybody is going to know. I don't know if I can stand the humiliation."

"Nobody will be able to tell," she said. "Unless you announce it. And if they _do_ know, it's just not something you talk about."

I nod. "I know I'm acting silly. It's just my first time………" Okay, maybe I shouldn't have announced that.

"_First time,_" she said, with incredulity. "You lucky dog!"

I laughed. _God_, I thought, _I'm still stuck with puns_.

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**Notes: Okay, now REVIEW!! Tell me how glad you are that I updated for the first time in………quite a while.**


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